Calculus…
They said I had to take it.
I argued.
They threatened not to let me graduate.
I folded.
So here I am, in the middle of a college level calculus class paying the consequences of a lifetime spent shunning math with a level of avoidance usually only reserved for things like ex-spouses, audits, and herpes.
For extreme right-brained losers like myself (who couldn’t pass the math portion of the college entrance exam), there was a pre-requisite course, “Business Mathematics” which wasn’t overly taxing – percentages, compound interest, cost of goods, even some basic algebra – and I got an A. So with new-found mathematical courage I ran headlong into calculus, only to stare blankly at things like this:
God hates me, doesn’t he?
By the end of my first day in calculus, I found myself espousing a strong desire to curl up on the floor in the fetal position and suck my thumb.
To be fair, I’ve known about my mathematical deficiencies for some time, but I’m not quite sure just how I achieved such a spectacular level of “stupid” in the numbers department. It might have been the fact that my freshman year I was caught chewing gum in Algebra once too often, and was forced to write 500 times, “Mr. Welch does not accept my feeble attempt to apologize for chewing gum in his class.” Isn’t it funny… I don’t remember a thing about quadratic equations, but I can still rattle off every damn syllable of that sentence.
Or perhaps it was my sophomore year, when my one-step-away-from-retirement geometry teacher wasn’t quite as interesting as, say… the triceps of the football player sitting in front of me.
In any event, a solid “D” average in high school math sabotaged what would have otherwise been a beautiful 4.0 GPA, and managed to put me just outside of the “acceptable” range for most anyone who was shelling out scholarships or grants. I suppose it’s safe to say that math was really the only reason I didn’t go to college when everyone else did. In the years since, I’ve learned that I’m quite capable at doing everyday math involved in business.
So on about the second night of calculus, as I was deeply resenting not only the content but the eight hundred and some-odd dollars that I forked out for the privilege of taking the class, I came to three realizations which culminated in one amazing moment of epiphany:
Realization #1: There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about calculus that will ever help me in my life or my career.
Realization #2: There are lots of people in the world who are good at this crap and might just need a few extra bucks.
Realization #3: I'm not poor.
Throw in the fact that when desperate I relieve myself of all morals, and you have one great epiphany:
CHEAT!!!! Yes, that’s right! The oldest trick in the book isn’t just for bad marriages anymore!
It took almost no time to find a good natured doormat on craigslist.com, and for a nominal fee I am getting all of my homework done first rate (he’s even getting a few wrong just for good measure). Now I am just savvy enough at “basic” math to have figured out how the ending grade will work. A on the homework + F on the final = PASS!!!!
(Pause here to visualize the Hallelujah Chorus chiming in)
Shady as this might be, I’m reminded that the ultimate goal of higher education is not to commit coursework to memory (can any college grads still do calculus??) but to teach one the skill of learning and exercising his or her brain in the direction of a resolution. In that regard, my flirtation with deception has done much to further my business degree. After all, I’ve assessed the problem, identified a solution, advertised, negotiated, and established a working relationship at a mutually acceptable rate. All this education in business and I still can’t do a quadratic equation… imagine that!
They said I had to take it.
I argued.
They threatened not to let me graduate.
I folded.
So here I am, in the middle of a college level calculus class paying the consequences of a lifetime spent shunning math with a level of avoidance usually only reserved for things like ex-spouses, audits, and herpes.
For extreme right-brained losers like myself (who couldn’t pass the math portion of the college entrance exam), there was a pre-requisite course, “Business Mathematics” which wasn’t overly taxing – percentages, compound interest, cost of goods, even some basic algebra – and I got an A. So with new-found mathematical courage I ran headlong into calculus, only to stare blankly at things like this:
God hates me, doesn’t he?By the end of my first day in calculus, I found myself espousing a strong desire to curl up on the floor in the fetal position and suck my thumb.
To be fair, I’ve known about my mathematical deficiencies for some time, but I’m not quite sure just how I achieved such a spectacular level of “stupid” in the numbers department. It might have been the fact that my freshman year I was caught chewing gum in Algebra once too often, and was forced to write 500 times, “Mr. Welch does not accept my feeble attempt to apologize for chewing gum in his class.” Isn’t it funny… I don’t remember a thing about quadratic equations, but I can still rattle off every damn syllable of that sentence.
Or perhaps it was my sophomore year, when my one-step-away-from-retirement geometry teacher wasn’t quite as interesting as, say… the triceps of the football player sitting in front of me.
In any event, a solid “D” average in high school math sabotaged what would have otherwise been a beautiful 4.0 GPA, and managed to put me just outside of the “acceptable” range for most anyone who was shelling out scholarships or grants. I suppose it’s safe to say that math was really the only reason I didn’t go to college when everyone else did. In the years since, I’ve learned that I’m quite capable at doing everyday math involved in business.
So on about the second night of calculus, as I was deeply resenting not only the content but the eight hundred and some-odd dollars that I forked out for the privilege of taking the class, I came to three realizations which culminated in one amazing moment of epiphany:
Realization #1: There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about calculus that will ever help me in my life or my career.
Realization #2: There are lots of people in the world who are good at this crap and might just need a few extra bucks.
Realization #3: I'm not poor.
Throw in the fact that when desperate I relieve myself of all morals, and you have one great epiphany:
CHEAT!!!! Yes, that’s right! The oldest trick in the book isn’t just for bad marriages anymore!
It took almost no time to find a good natured doormat on craigslist.com, and for a nominal fee I am getting all of my homework done first rate (he’s even getting a few wrong just for good measure). Now I am just savvy enough at “basic” math to have figured out how the ending grade will work. A on the homework + F on the final = PASS!!!!
(Pause here to visualize the Hallelujah Chorus chiming in)
Shady as this might be, I’m reminded that the ultimate goal of higher education is not to commit coursework to memory (can any college grads still do calculus??) but to teach one the skill of learning and exercising his or her brain in the direction of a resolution. In that regard, my flirtation with deception has done much to further my business degree. After all, I’ve assessed the problem, identified a solution, advertised, negotiated, and established a working relationship at a mutually acceptable rate. All this education in business and I still can’t do a quadratic equation… imagine that!
5 comments:
Sounds like a good solution. Better than what I did... I kept changing majors to avoid having to take statistics,
Haha!! Do you really think you're the first college student to think of this? Some of us became down-right experts... Just wait till you get in the Masters program! :)
You know you are a literary person, of course you find this difficult. Can't be good at everything. Hope your plan works.
Okay, I'lL say it...CHEATERS NEVER WIN!!!
That being said, "way to getter done!"
LOL! Hang in there!
Paz
Post a Comment